What is it that you want?

My body’s changing. And I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I work out 6 days a week. Currently, my typical week consists of 3 runs, 3 – 4 CrossFit classes, 1 yoga class and about 100 km of casual biking, 1 complete rest day. I work out so much because it’s fun. Because it helps me release stress and clear my mind. I work out so much because it’s an opportunity to socialize and make friends. Because it’s good for your health to have a strong heart, forceful lungs, endurance, strength, strong bones, all that. Because I enjoy being outside.

And because it helps me in fighting my pet eating disorder.

My eating’s been atrocious lately. I’m eating too much. I’m drinking too much. I’m eating the wrong foods and I binge too often. I’ve been trying really hard to get a hang of my disordered eating because I know what I need to do in order to lose weight. I just have problems translating the theory into my daily life. [I’m currently not throwing up – thankfully.]

A while ago, I wrote a post about body acceptance and self love and as I struggle with loving my body the way it is, I’m re-reading the post and wondering where that ease has gone?

I’ve gained some weight ever since I wrote that post. Maybe about 1.5 kilos. Not a whole lot, but yet, I’m terrified of gaining even more weight. The dirndl I bought for my best friend’s wedding in less than 2 weeks doesn’t fit anymore and I’ll have to find something else to wear. Nothing, in general, feels right. I have a bunch of clothes in my wardrobe that I should toss out because they’re too small.

Like this dress I tried on this morning.

I hit a low  when I tried on a dress that I could barely zip up and had even bigger problems coming out of it again. Why?

Because the weight I gained is not just fat. Sure, there’s no sense denying that there’s more flab on my body and that I absolutely hate it. But thankfully, the 7 kilos that I’ve gained since December of 2013 aren’t just fat. Through CrossFit, I also gained a substantial amount of muscle. Which, in itself isn’t awful because more muscle means more strength means more PRs means more Feeling-Good. But it also means that 90% of my clothes don’t fit right anymore because my back is becoming too broad and my bootie and thighs getting too big.

It’s made me question my fitness and aesthetic goals in life and so far, I’ve not found an answer. How do I want to look? Do I want to have a defined biceps? Strong lats? Thighs that don’t jiggle? Or do I want to look slimmer again? Fit comfortably into a size 38 (US: 6) again [it’s a stretch right now]? Am I willing to replace the vast majority of my wardrobe and just deal with the fact that I have to throw away a bunch of clothes that I love?

I’ve lost quite a bit of flexibility ever since I started doing CrossFit. I still have better mobility than most people at my box, but I used to be craaaaaaazy flexible. Not anymore. I’ve gained immense strength instead and I loved being able to carry bags and bags of soil all by myself when planting my balcony. I’ve become a lot more stable in my movements because the little fibers around my knees and other joints are getting stronger.

But whenever I see a skinny woman (on the street, in yoga class, on TV), I can’t help but long for that too. How beautiful it must be to be skinny and not have to worry about how fat you look in that skirt or those pants.

There are super-slim and strong CrossFitters, but unfortunately, I don’t think I’m genetically engineered to be like that. For me, it’s either skinny (fat?) or bulky. The question is, what is it that I want?

I don’t know.

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2 thoughts on “What is it that you want?

  1. Pingback: 2014 – a year in review | 3ckfoodie

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